:) My little shushyii.

What’s the point of telling myself that I won’t disappoint You again, when I know I will. To be honest, it’s absurd, it’s idiotic… it’s so disloyal from my part. I once learned that the thought of doing a sinful act alone is bad enough than actually doing it. If only my mind were a clean slate and only your thoughts ran wild in my noggin. I would definitely not have a problem with that. But what can I do but pray and hope for that to happen as much as possible. If You take control, what do I have to worry about? You already read my mind. But a major issue I have is that even if I know the solution to a problem, any problem, and have it stored so safely in my heart and mind, I tend to get the question wrong, fail the test, and lose self-esteem along with that. Every single time that happens, I shake my head, ask myself “Why did I do this again?”, and stare down at the floor because I know that at that moment I don’t deserve your holiness. I don’t, I seriously don’t. But who am I talking to? The Holy and Gracious one, the one that forgives before the deed was done. It’s amazing how you forgave your traitor before he turned you over to the wolves, and I, as feeble as I am, fail to forget that you forgive me every single time. But let me not get ahead of myself. Shall I take for granted and take advantage of such forgiveness? Please Jesus, if I ever do, slap my face with a hurricane wind that will send me across Jersey. My point today is that no matter what happens in or around me, I will fail You. And no matter what happens in or around me, You never fail to forgive and love me.

I had a dream the other night, line none other concerning my brother Erick. He died in the dream. This is half of the reason why this is notable. The other half of the reason is that the dream seemed so palpable, so real, as if it weren’t a dream. I awoke crying, as in when my eyes opened, tears were already streaming down my morning cheeks. I couldn’t believe it, but I had to face reality. I remember being at a beach with my brother. He was lying face down on the sand and I was next to him about to do the same. But as began to lay down, my conscious was telling me that something bad was going to occur. What was obscure of the beach was that it ended off of a cliff, as in the sand was at the end of the cliff and the ocean was 1000 feet below us. And we were laying right at the edge of the cliff. As I resumed in laying down, I suddenly felt a shift in the ground. The sand under my brother began to pour off the cliff, and it was taking him with it. As Erick started to slide off the cliff, I screamed, I screamed, and I screamed his name to awake him, but nothing. Finally, he fell off the cliff. I began to cry rivers, lakes, oceans, and with such passion. I cried because I had lost one of the greatest loves I hold so dear and close to my heart. To he honest, if I remember correctly, I spent the whole dream crying. As the dream came to its end, I remember seeing myself walking up the front steps of my house…still crying. As I opened the door to my house, I saw my mother talking to my brother. He looked back at me with that charming smile of his. I did atop crying if that’s what you’re thinking. I began to cry even more then, but I was confused as to why. Then it hit me. I was afraid of losing him in this world that we live in. I couldn’t look at him for more than a second because I did not want to accept the fact that someday… I will truly lose him. When I woke up the following morning, and the tears were already pouring down, I learned that God wants me to cherish my loved ones. Not only cherish them, but multiply my love for them.

My earliest human memory is remembering my dad visiting me at school. I was in Pre-K then, and I was outside playing during recess. He tool the time to come visit me during his lunch break, and I felt very loved because of that. The scene that remains so vivid in my mind is seeing him look at me while I was running, his hand hanging on the fence that divided us, and the warm look in his eyes.